Archive for the ‘family’ Category

my daddy R.I.P Oct. 3,1950 - Dec. 1, 2012
This is my daddy.
He passed away Saturday December 1st while he was hunting. He was 62 years old.

He was a great man.. Loving husband to his soul mate and wife, greatest father to his children. He was the best damn papa to his grandchildren and his great granddaughter. All the children adored him.. and they’ll tell you.  No one can make you run into a tree like he could, or make beef jerky like he could!.. ♥

He had these huge paws and loving arms when he hugged you.. It was the greatest place to be.. So warm and loving…
He was loved by all who met him. He was full of laughter and shared his life stories with pride. I will miss hearing him tell them.

He was a great outdoors man who could do it all. It was his passion, and he was great at it all.
I will miss fishing with you daddy, who’s going to go in the water and catch my sunfish that got away for me? ♥

I’ve been sitting here for an hour crying, remembering so many things, and I just don’t think there’s enough room for all the great things I have to say about this man..

I love you daddy and it’s not fair you got taken away from us way to soon. It’s hard to breathe, and my heart hurts… My eyes cry so many tears! You will be forever missed…  I miss you daddy so damn much.. I love you!

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let fall begin :)

I so love the Fall weather. Cool temperatures, no High Humidity, and no blazing hot sun to hide from. I don’t have to live inside where the AC’s are blasted and the family are wearing sweaters in the summer. LOL
The leaves are changing to beautiful colors, and the baking season has begun. 🙂 Brownies for dessert, pies to bake, and Roasts to cook!
Crock pot is being dusted off, and the stews and soups recipes are being sorted.and best of all, cuddling with my hubby and actually enjoying his body heat! 😉
 Tis the seaon! 🙂

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The sadness I saw in my sons eyes yesterday just near broke my heart. 
A couple of weeks ago my middle son Andrew came up to me while I was in my room.
He started off by simply stating he didn’t like me having MS. So our conversation starts full of questions from him, about the why’s, how, will he get it, when will I be in a wheel chair etc etc..
Now this is the 1st time with him that I actually had a serious conversation about MS.. He’s been told about it, knows I’m on meds, and what they are for, but this time we really talked about it.. About what it does to one’s body, how it’s totally unpredictable, and we never know what or when it’s going to happen. That was hard.. My oldest understands, my middle one now does, but my youngest still doesn’t understand.. He just knows mom is sick from MS.. 
 Last night I was lying on my bed waiting for Scott to come in from letting the puppy out to do my shot, and Andrew laid on the bed next to me so sad-looking.. 😦
I asked him what was wrong and he said, ” Mommy, I wish you didn’t have MS.” 
Now we have had this conversation many times before, some of them full long talks others, just short ones.. But this one I knew was going to be different..  his eyes were filled with such sadness…It took all I had not to cry.. So we had another conversation but this time, why did his mommy get MS? Why doesn’t the bad people in the world get the suffering?”
Coming from an almost 13 yr old, the innosence of his statement made him so much older..
He notices things more, I find him watching me now and then to make sure I get up ok, he’ll ask if I need my crutch or if I’m feeling ok..
I worry for him and how this is hurting him.. He’s still a child and should not have to see his mother go through this.. 😦 
Just breaks my heart that my children have to live with MS also….

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 My Aunt Connie passed away on August 23rd, 2011.. Her Funeral was August 26th.. She lives in Gouverneur which is about 4 hrs away from me.  I was going to ride with my brother,but ended up driving my dad’s car because he had no sleep from just working a 12hr shift, and needed to rest. 
So we arrive in Gouverneur to my cousin Amy’s house. Visit for a bit and head to the hospital to see my Aunt Sharla.  She’s a stubborn woman, but she looked good considering..
So we go get something to eat at a pizza joint, and head to the funeral..
All my Aunts, Uncles , and cousins are there. Lots of hugs and lots tears. Funerals are the only time we get to see our family.. 😦 It was a nice Funeral, short.. but nice.. She’s finally resting peacefully with no pain, and is with her husband.. ❤

I miss my family up north.. 😦 REALLY miss them.. As a kid we always drove to Gouverneur to visit family, every summer. And we used to stay a week or 2 or 3 with our Aunts and Uncles..  Good times, great memories..LOL  The older we got, it seemed the less we visited.. Don’t know why..  But now that I’m older and a family of my own, it’s time to start visiting again.. I’d like to make a trip before winter hits.. Sometime in the early fall.. The drive would be so pretty!
So that’s my goal.. To visit family before winter hits!

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I’d like you to meet my new addition to our family!

This is my Chocolate Lab puppy.. His name is Opie..

We drove up north to a farm town named Gouverneur (4hrs each way)  to pick him up. My cousin Amy’s dog had a liter of 6 Chocolate Labs, yep, all chocolate..  4 males & 2 females.  The mom is a Chocolate Lab, and the dad is a Yellow Lab. We got the chance to meet the parents.. They are both beautiful dogs!
He is 8 weeks old and has huge paws. Which usually means he will be a good size dog..  He did very well on the 4 hr car drive home.. He sat in the back seat with the boys and rested on them in between potty stops. No car sickness, and no accidents.. He did very well..  🙂

He fits right into our family.. His personality is hysterical.. He’s funny, and always gives you a good giggle at clumsiness.. He is very smart and is doing very well on all his training.. A few accidents here and there, but hey, I think he’s done well for being trained for only 7 days now.. ..

My cat Piper is getting better with him here. 1st 4 days she would have nothing to do with him.. Nor us.. LOL She his in my middle sons room, and only came out to use her liter box.. Within a few days, she started to come out more and more.. Then she would slowly come in the same room as Opie was in, but would run as soon as he saw her.. LOL She’s getting close to sniff him, but let’s him know when he’s too close to her.. lol I’m sure in time, they’ll be good friends.. 

phew.. forgot how hard it was to have a puppy.. But so welcomed..  

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yep, it’s one of those feel good real deep sighs.. You know the sighs where everything troubling you comes out with the sigh.. and you feel so light afterwords..
Well, I had a bit of a breakdown lastnight and let it all out to hubby..  All my fears and all my worries.. Everything.. all the mishap that goes on in my brain of mine.. It just flowed, the heavy sobbing, the shaking cries, it all came out.. 
 I know it may be selfish of me to trouble him with my poor me I have MS woes.. but he helps.. just holding me and not saying anything sometimes, well, it helps.. Thank you baby!
You are my ROCK!!

 YES I have MS, and until they find a cure, I need to learn to live with it.. Not let it take control of my life.. I need to control it..  I need to take charge..

Time to get off the soap box, and live my life the best I can..
just saying. :p

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Everyday of my life is a never ending battle with MS.. It has been a tiring battle for 10+ years..  It could be from the pain, the discomfort, the losses, or just the fact that you have MS..  o_O
The Battle NEVER ends.. Not even for a day.. and I have to fight like hell to LIVE..

Standing up is sometimes exhausting.. You try pushing yourself off the sofa, and your legs do not want to stand.. Grab for a wall, or anyone/anything near you, in hopes you don’t go down.. 
 I  just want to sit and not move.. So much easier than trying to get past the pain.. Right? I ask myself this all the time..
But… I can’t sit and watch this disease take it all away from me and not do anything. NO MATTER how painful or how tiring it is to get through a day of normal living.. I do it.. I do it for my family.. My husband, my kids and friends..

I fight like hell..
to get up and out of bed in the morning..
to walk to the bathroom..
to make coffee for hubby..
to wake up hubby..
hmm.. alot of my energy is now gone..

I fight like hell..
to get the kids motivated to get ready for school..
to make breakfast and lunches..
to get everyone out the door and to their destinations..
to pick up kitchen..
to sit and relax..

I fight like hell..
to get up and get lunch and do some house chores..
to accomplish a few things..
to sit back down, until the kids come home..

I fight like hell..
to get dinner ready..
to clean up dinner, with help from all my boys 😉

ugghhh it’s 6pm…

I fight like hell..
to do my daily injection..
to get the shot ready..
waiting for hubby to do the damn thing.. anxiety goes through the roof..
it’s done.. *painful*
to not cry..
*sigh* 90% of the time, I cry..

I fight like hell..
to sit on the couch and enjoy some cuddle time with hubby..
to try and not to show the pain..

I fight like hell..
to go to sleep..
to not be afraid of my haunting dreams..
to cry silently and not wake anyone up..

I fight like hell..
not to easily end it all..

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Today was the court date so Zack can legally live with his dad. It went ok, but damn my heart was breaking something fierce. So sad..
He’s been living with his dad for sometime now, so it wasn’t a shock or anything. It just sucked knowing he wasn’t living with me anymore.. I miss him alot.. Seeing him only 6 days a month really sucks.. I feel like I was bad parent or something. Like I didn’t deserve to have him anymore. No one asked me how I felt about all this or even cared to ask. YES, I understand he has some point has to live with his dad, I do.. But I guess the way it was done is what hurts the most. Still, never less, it’s not fair.. my heart breaks.

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Winter Snow..

So.. we had a winter storm come in..  Not as bad as I expected, but still the same, no school, and roads are crap to drive anywhere.. Poor hubby dug his car out, came in to get his wallet and his cell phone and the plows, bloody bastards burried him in again! To say the least, he was not a happy man.. and rightfully so.. 😦  Thinking today would be a good day to throw the boys outside for a bit! Maybe the can make a snowman.. Don’t know how much of the “what can I do?” whinning today! ugghhh at snowdays! 
What’s new….
 We’re down to 1 car for a bit.. An ice chunk fell off the power lines and landed on my rear windshield and shattered it.. No glass insurance, so out of the pocket bill it’s going to be… and it’s going to be costly.. Quoted atleast $330.00.. o_O  Thankfully it wasn’t the main car.. and well, besides all the “i told you So’s!..” we’re hearing,  it is what it is.. and life goes on.. Lesson learned not to park under power lines with a chunk of ice on it..

Depression has reared it’s ugly head again.. I REALLY REALLY hate having Multiple Sclerosis.. I miss the days of having a Support Group, or even being in one.. It was nice to have others to talk to who share similar experiences with MS.. Life trials, and life pains.. The living with it, the coping of it, the Hoping one day there will be a ‘Cure’.. I’ve lost that hope, I’ve lost that dream.. Now it’s only Nightmere’s of what is to come… I’m slowly losing my life… losing the active girl I once was..
 I’m lonely, scared, angry and confused.. My extra thick tough shell I’ve built around me all my life is slowly falling apart and that weak thin layer is becoming more and more visable to the world.. I hate showing my weakness to others.. I hate showing how much pain I’m in, or how the thick tears fall down my face for all to see, and the heavy sobs are becoming more and more heard.. I hate that this disease has made me hate myself so much..
I used to be an attractive slim girl.. 125lbs.. Nice figure.. I actually loved myself.. Liked to wear makeup and once loved to dress up..  I’m now 200 lbs and hating myself.. oh god, how do I hate myself.. Time to do sumpin about my weight..
Here goes a new chapter in my life!  I can do this!

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the winter blues…

So my life has changed alot within the last few months. My husband transfered to a new job, the boys are going to a new school, we moved to a new home, and a whole new area. The hardest thing is we moved 45 minutes away from my oldest son,my  family and friends…. I kept telling myself, it’s only a 45 min drive Kat, it’ll be ok.. *sigh* I am finding that very hard to accept right now.
😦 Winter season sucks. It’s TOO cold, and I hate snow..Give me any other season to live/drive in and I’ll gladly do it, but winter… o_O *blah* I HATE to drive in snow.. I’m the one who does 40-50 on the Highway.. LOL
SO… with that, and the fact it’s just winter itself, the winter blues has set in on all of us.. Can’t wait until Spring gets here! Bring it on!
 and to top the winter blues off, let’s throw some whoa’s are me in there.. I hate myself right now.. I hate my weight, my body, my self, yeah, I hate it all.. So now we’re going to try and change our lives a little bit.. Ya know, let’s eat healthier, let’s walk more, let’s exercise.. well, yeah ok, it’s me who wants to change her life style, and hubby is being the great guy who’s going to help me through this.. I need to feel better about myself again. Not just health wise, but for my own self.. No it’s not any type of resolution, it’s just a NEED to do this.. and if I can quit smoking, I can lose weight and learn to take better care of myself!
Time to get out my exercise ball and dust it off, get my weight journal out, and my dvd’s and start working on the new me!!

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