my daddy R.I.P Oct. 3,1950 - Dec. 1, 2012
This is my daddy.
He passed away Saturday December 1st while he was hunting. He was 62 years old.

He was a great man.. Loving husband to his soul mate and wife, greatest father to his children. He was the best damn papa to his grandchildren and his great granddaughter. All the children adored him.. and they’ll tell you.  No one can make you run into a tree like he could, or make beef jerky like he could!.. ♥

He had these huge paws and loving arms when he hugged you.. It was the greatest place to be.. So warm and loving…
He was loved by all who met him. He was full of laughter and shared his life stories with pride. I will miss hearing him tell them.

He was a great outdoors man who could do it all. It was his passion, and he was great at it all.
I will miss fishing with you daddy, who’s going to go in the water and catch my sunfish that got away for me? ♥

I’ve been sitting here for an hour crying, remembering so many things, and I just don’t think there’s enough room for all the great things I have to say about this man..

I love you daddy and it’s not fair you got taken away from us way to soon. It’s hard to breathe, and my heart hurts… My eyes cry so many tears! You will be forever missed…  I miss you daddy so damn much.. I love you!

the tears that fall….

So… life with MS is not always easy to live with.. There are days, where things are just getting harder to deal with.. Not being able to walk long distances, energy to do simple house chores, or even cook dinner.
It was starting to drain me… Emotionally, and physically.. I was drained..
Recently, I had one of those screaming/shouting moments where I voiced how much I hate having MS and what it does to me the other day to my husband. I sat in bed, and did one of those sob shaking, hiccuping, runny nose cries where is just pours out of you. and I mean… pours out of you…
I vented every hate and every pain and every fear I was having at that moment. I screamed my darkest fears/thoughts, I didn’t hold back.. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I let it all come out…
I admitted that I wanted to give up…. I was at that moment in the darkest corner I have ever been in, I just wanted the pain to end.. I wanted it all to end…  I was giving up…
and then the tears fell silently..
But they weren’t my tears.. They were my husbands.
He said these words to me, “I may not know the type of pain you are in, and I may not know what it feels like, but I’m living it too. I’m here with you everyday since the beginning and I haven’t left your side.”
We sat what felt like for hours, in each others arms and the tears just fell..
As he fell asleep, my mind did a lot of thinking. He was right. I am not the only one who is going through this. My whole family is. My husband, and my children see this every day. They live it too.. I was caught up in a selfish moment, where it was me myself and I….Yes I experience the pain, but they experience so much more.. and I need to remember that.. it’s not just me who suffers from MS, it’s all of us..
I am truly blessed to have such a wonderful supporting family to help me continue this never ending battle with Multiple Sclerosis…

I think I’m here…

Ever wake up in those ‘fog’ kinda days and wonder if you’re mind is ever really here? Or if it ever was?
Fighting depression is so tiring.
Between the depression of having MS, Money issues, or even watching as your spouse struggles with his own work issue/demons, my poor head is so fogged I just want to crawl into bed and forget it all.
I’m a damn Zombie.. Walking around doing the things I know I have to do, and just not caring how it’s done or if it’s getting done.

in a Flareup

Saturday April 28th I noticed some numbness feeling in my left side of the body. By Monday the feeling started to be more uncomfortable. I started applying different pressure to my body. Working down my legs.
By applying some squeezing, it was a very dull numbness, took longer to feel the pain than it did on the the right side. The pins and needles feeling was dull, not as prickly feeling as before. My left side now has a heaviness to it. I have to use my crutch cane to assist me in walking. It takes me a bit to get up and move from one room to another. Very energy draining.
I have the urge to go pee, but when I sit to go, (numbness feeling in legs/butt area) The sensation to go is there, but it takes me a minute to go. :/ I usually have a problem holding it in..
Some spots on my body are VERY sensitive to the touch. It feels like someone has punched me in the arm. Sore to the touch. That soreness feeling is on my right hand, and on the nook of my inner arm, elbow area and goes up my right arm.
I have a heaviness in my left hand/arm and in my leg.
My balance is gone, and it’s hard for me to walk straight. I have a restlessness to my arms and legs now. The pain is somewhat tolerable, but is constant, and is hard to sit still.
My old symptoms, seemed to have heightened a bit. My vision is all wacky in my left eye again, and there’s the dullness to color.
Between my husbands schedule, I can’t make an appointment to see my Neuro until the 10th, it’s Scotts 1st day off. Crossing fingers when I call Monday they can get me in.
this Flare up is a nasty one..

saying goodbyes..

I have delt with 2 deaths of my family members with in weeks of each other. 😦
My mom’s sister, Sharla J. Miller, passed away on Wednesday, April 11, 2012.. I was unable to attend the services for my Aunt. =( She reminded me so much of my grandma Boshane. Such a lovely lady with great laughter.. She will be greatly missed. I love you Aunt Sharla..

Then, my loving cousin Dorlene Ann McIntosh Sider passed away April 24th at 2pm. She battled Stage 4b Squamous Cell Carcinoma.
yesterday was a gathering of celebration for Dorlene. It was beautiful. She is a Veteran of the United States Army. and they did the Flag Folding Ceremony. Very beautiful! We all said some loving memories of her, and shared some great stories and shared some laughter and tears.
She holds a very large spot in my heart.. always and forever being told by family, how I remind them of Dorlene. I always wanted to be like her growing up. Her hair, her style, her beauty, and even her nose piercing. To me, she was my idol…
We shared a special bond for cousins. To her, I was her mini Dorlene, and always will be.. She will be forever loved and remembered in my heart! You will be missed but never forgotten!

let fall begin :)

I so love the Fall weather. Cool temperatures, no High Humidity, and no blazing hot sun to hide from. I don’t have to live inside where the AC’s are blasted and the family are wearing sweaters in the summer. LOL
The leaves are changing to beautiful colors, and the baking season has begun. 🙂 Brownies for dessert, pies to bake, and Roasts to cook!
Crock pot is being dusted off, and the stews and soups recipes are being sorted.and best of all, cuddling with my hubby and actually enjoying his body heat! 😉
 Tis the seaon! 🙂

the sadness….

The sadness I saw in my sons eyes yesterday just near broke my heart. 
A couple of weeks ago my middle son Andrew came up to me while I was in my room.
He started off by simply stating he didn’t like me having MS. So our conversation starts full of questions from him, about the why’s, how, will he get it, when will I be in a wheel chair etc etc..
Now this is the 1st time with him that I actually had a serious conversation about MS.. He’s been told about it, knows I’m on meds, and what they are for, but this time we really talked about it.. About what it does to one’s body, how it’s totally unpredictable, and we never know what or when it’s going to happen. That was hard.. My oldest understands, my middle one now does, but my youngest still doesn’t understand.. He just knows mom is sick from MS.. 
 Last night I was lying on my bed waiting for Scott to come in from letting the puppy out to do my shot, and Andrew laid on the bed next to me so sad-looking.. 😦
I asked him what was wrong and he said, ” Mommy, I wish you didn’t have MS.” 
Now we have had this conversation many times before, some of them full long talks others, just short ones.. But this one I knew was going to be different..  his eyes were filled with such sadness…It took all I had not to cry.. So we had another conversation but this time, why did his mommy get MS? Why doesn’t the bad people in the world get the suffering?”
Coming from an almost 13 yr old, the innosence of his statement made him so much older..
He notices things more, I find him watching me now and then to make sure I get up ok, he’ll ask if I need my crutch or if I’m feeling ok..
I worry for him and how this is hurting him.. He’s still a child and should not have to see his mother go through this.. 😦 
Just breaks my heart that my children have to live with MS also….