my daddy R.I.P Oct. 3,1950 – Dec. 1, 2012

This is my daddy.
He passed away Saturday December 1st while he was hunting. He was 62 years old.

He was a great man.. Loving husband to his soul mate and wife, greatest father to his children. He was the best damn papa to his grandchildren and his great granddaughter. All the children adored him.. and they’ll tell you.  No one can make you run into a tree like he could, or make beef jerky like he could!.. ♥

He had these huge paws and loving arms when he hugged you.. It was the greatest place to be.. So warm and loving…
He was loved by all who met him. He was full of laughter and shared his life stories with pride. I will miss hearing him tell them.

He was a great outdoors man who could do it all. It was his passion, and he was great at it all.
I will miss fishing with you daddy, who’s going to go in the water and catch my sunfish that got away for me? ♥

I’ve been sitting here for an hour crying, remembering so many things, and I just don’t think there’s enough room for all the great things I have to say about this man..

I love you daddy and it’s not fair you got taken away from us way to soon. It’s hard to breathe, and my heart hurts… My eyes cry so many tears! You will be forever missed…  I miss you daddy so damn much.. I love you!

the tears that fall….

So… life with MS is not always easy to live with.. There are days, where things are just getting harder to deal with.. Not being able to walk long distances, energy to do simple house chores, or even cook dinner.
It was starting to drain me… Emotionally, and physically.. I was drained..
Recently, I had one of those screaming/shouting moments where I voiced how much I hate having MS and what it does to me the other day to my husband. I sat in bed, and did one of those sob shaking, hiccuping, runny nose cries where is just pours out of you. and I mean… pours out of you…
I vented every hate and every pain and every fear I was having at that moment. I screamed my darkest fears/thoughts, I didn’t hold back.. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I let it all come out…
I admitted that I wanted to give up…. I was at that moment in the darkest corner I have ever been in, I just wanted the pain to end.. I wanted it all to end…  I was giving up…
and then the tears fell silently..
But they weren’t my tears.. They were my husbands.
He said these words to me, “I may not know the type of pain you are in, and I may not know what it feels like, but I’m living it too. I’m here with you everyday since the beginning and I haven’t left your side.”
We sat what felt like for hours, in each others arms and the tears just fell..
As he fell asleep, my mind did a lot of thinking. He was right. I am not the only one who is going through this. My whole family is. My husband, and my children see this every day. They live it too.. I was caught up in a selfish moment, where it was me myself and I….Yes I experience the pain, but they experience so much more.. and I need to remember that.. it’s not just me who suffers from MS, it’s all of us..
I am truly blessed to have such a wonderful supporting family to help me continue this never ending battle with Multiple Sclerosis…

I think I’m here…

Ever wake up in those ‘fog’ kinda days and wonder if you’re mind is ever really here? Or if it ever was?
Fighting depression is so tiring.
Between the depression of having MS, Money issues, or even watching as your spouse struggles with his own work issue/demons, my poor head is so fogged I just want to crawl into bed and forget it all.
I’m a damn Zombie.. Walking around doing the things I know I have to do, and just not caring how it’s done or if it’s getting done.
*sigh*
#fuckinghatesdepression

in a Flareup

Saturday April 28th I noticed some numbness feeling in my left side of the body. By Monday the feeling started to be more uncomfortable. I started applying different pressure to my body. Working down my legs.
By applying some squeezing, it was a very dull numbness, took longer to feel the pain than it did on the the right side. The pins and needles feeling was dull, not as prickly feeling as before. My left side now has a heaviness to it. I have to use my crutch cane to assist me in walking. It takes me a bit to get up and move from one room to another. Very energy draining.
I have the urge to go pee, but when I sit to go, (numbness feeling in legs/butt area) The sensation to go is there, but it takes me a minute to go. I usually have a problem holding it in..
Some spots on my body are VERY sensitive to the touch. It feels like someone has punched me in the arm. Sore to the touch. That soreness feeling is on my right hand, and on the nook of my inner arm, elbow area and goes up my right arm.
I have a heaviness in my left hand/arm and in my leg.
My balance is gone, and it’s hard for me to walk straight. I have a restlessness to my arms and legs now. The pain is somewhat tolerable, but is constant, and is hard to sit still.
My old symptoms, seemed to have heightened a bit. My vision is all wacky in my left eye again, and there’s the dullness to color.
Between my husbands schedule, I can’t make an appointment to see my Neuro until the 10th, it’s Scotts 1st day off. Crossing fingers when I call Monday they can get me in.
this Flare up is a nasty one..

saying goodbyes..

I have delt with 2 deaths of my family members with in weeks of each other. 😦
My mom’s sister, Sharla J. Miller, passed away on Wednesday, April 11, 2012.. I was unable to attend the services for my Aunt. =( She reminded me so much of my grandma Boshane. Such a lovely lady with great laughter.. She will be greatly missed. I love you Aunt Sharla..

Then, my loving cousin Dorlene Ann McIntosh Sider passed away April 24th at 2pm. She battled Stage 4b Squamous Cell Carcinoma.
yesterday was a gathering of celebration for Dorlene. It was beautiful. She is a Veteran of the United States Army. and they did the Flag Folding Ceremony. Very beautiful! We all said some loving memories of her, and shared some great stories and shared some laughter and tears.
She holds a very large spot in my heart.. always and forever being told by family, how I remind them of Dorlene. I always wanted to be like her growing up. Her hair, her style, her beauty, and even her nose piercing. To me, she was my idol…
We shared a special bond for cousins. To her, I was her mini Dorlene, and always will be.. She will be forever loved and remembered in my heart! You will be missed but never forgotten!

let fall begin :)

I so love the Fall weather. Cool temperatures, no High Humidity, and no blazing hot sun to hide from. I don’t have to live inside where the AC’s are blasted and the family are wearing sweaters in the summer. LOL
The leaves are changing to beautiful colors, and the baking season has begun. 🙂 Brownies for dessert, pies to bake, and Roasts to cook!
Crock pot is being dusted off, and the stews and soups recipes are being sorted.and best of all, cuddling with my hubby and actually enjoying his body heat! 😉
 Tis the seaon! 🙂

the sadness….

The sadness I saw in my sons eyes yesterday just near broke my heart. 
A couple of weeks ago my middle son Andrew came up to me while I was in my room.
He started off by simply stating he didn’t like me having MS. So our conversation starts full of questions from him, about the why’s, how, will he get it, when will I be in a wheel chair etc etc..
Now this is the 1st time with him that I actually had a serious conversation about MS.. He’s been told about it, knows I’m on meds, and what they are for, but this time we really talked about it.. About what it does to one’s body, how it’s totally unpredictable, and we never know what or when it’s going to happen. That was hard.. My oldest understands, my middle one now does, but my youngest still doesn’t understand.. He just knows mom is sick from MS.. 
 Last night I was lying on my bed waiting for Scott to come in from letting the puppy out to do my shot, and Andrew laid on the bed next to me so sad-looking.. 😦
I asked him what was wrong and he said, ” Mommy, I wish you didn’t have MS.” 
Now we have had this conversation many times before, some of them full long talks others, just short ones.. But this one I knew was going to be different..  his eyes were filled with such sadness…It took all I had not to cry.. So we had another conversation but this time, why did his mommy get MS? Why doesn’t the bad people in the world get the suffering?”
Coming from an almost 13 yr old, the innosence of his statement made him so much older..
He notices things more, I find him watching me now and then to make sure I get up ok, he’ll ask if I need my crutch or if I’m feeling ok..
I worry for him and how this is hurting him.. He’s still a child and should not have to see his mother go through this.. 😦 
Just breaks my heart that my children have to live with MS also….

funerals.. meeting grounds to see your loved ones all in one place?

 My Aunt Connie passed away on August 23rd, 2011.. Her Funeral was August 26th.. She lives in Gouverneur which is about 4 hrs away from me.  I was going to ride with my brother,but ended up driving my dad’s car because he had no sleep from just working a 12hr shift, and needed to rest. 
 
So we arrive in Gouverneur to my cousin Amy’s house. Visit for a bit and head to the hospital to see my Aunt Sharla.  She’s a stubborn woman, but she looked good considering..
So we go get something to eat at a pizza joint, and head to the funeral..
All my Aunts, Uncles , and cousins are there. Lots of hugs and lots tears. Funerals are the only time we get to see our family.. 😦 It was a nice Funeral, short.. but nice.. She’s finally resting peacefully with no pain, and is with her husband.. ❤

I miss my family up north.. 😦 REALLY miss them.. As a kid we always drove to Gouverneur to visit family, every summer. And we used to stay a week or 2 or 3 with our Aunts and Uncles..  Good times, great memories..LOL  The older we got, it seemed the less we visited.. Don’t know why..  But now that I’m older and a family of my own, it’s time to start visiting again.. I’d like to make a trip before winter hits.. Sometime in the early fall.. The drive would be so pretty!
So that’s my goal.. To visit family before winter hits!

drained..

Usually by the end of the day, all my energy, emotions, ambition, etc.. is drained..  As of late, it’s drained the minute I get up. My body feels so lifeless, and hard to function. I just want to curl up in bed and not move.
I’m having an allergic reaction to my Gabapentin meds, a nasty rash under my left breast. So I have to stop taking them. Fine with me, they weren’t helping anyways..  But it’s the added stress of MORE medical shit gone wrong with me is just exhausting me..
Having to live with this disease, and carry so much of it quietly so you do not  worry your loved ones around you, is emotionally tiring.. I feel as if, my body mind and soul just wants to peacefully rest…

my new addition to our family..

I’d like you to meet my new addition to our family!

This is my Chocolate Lab puppy.. His name is Opie..

We drove up north to a farm town named Gouverneur (4hrs each way)  to pick him up. My cousin Amy’s dog had a liter of 6 Chocolate Labs, yep, all chocolate..  4 males & 2 females.  The mom is a Chocolate Lab, and the dad is a Yellow Lab. We got the chance to meet the parents.. They are both beautiful dogs!
He is 8 weeks old and has huge paws. Which usually means he will be a good size dog..  He did very well on the 4 hr car drive home.. He sat in the back seat with the boys and rested on them in between potty stops. No car sickness, and no accidents.. He did very well..  🙂

He fits right into our family.. His personality is hysterical.. He’s funny, and always gives you a good giggle at clumsiness.. He is very smart and is doing very well on all his training.. A few accidents here and there, but hey, I think he’s done well for being trained for only 7 days now.. ..

My cat Piper is getting better with him here. 1st 4 days she would have nothing to do with him.. Nor us.. LOL She his in my middle sons room, and only came out to use her liter box.. Within a few days, she started to come out more and more.. Then she would slowly come in the same room as Opie was in, but would run as soon as he saw her.. LOL She’s getting close to sniff him, but let’s him know when he’s too close to her.. lol I’m sure in time, they’ll be good friends.. 

phew.. forgot how hard it was to have a puppy.. But so welcomed..